We all have our struggles....

We are all human. We all have flaws. We all have things we wish were different and wish that we could just wake up one morning and have it all be gone. None of us are perfect.

This isn’t a post to put myself down. This is a post for me to openly admit that I struggle, just like everyone else. If it doesn’t speak to you, then maybe it will speak to someone else.

·         I procrastinate

o   Most people procrastinate. This isn’t something that is just a Becky problem. My problem with procrastination is that I do it, and then when I DO sit down to do whatever tasks I had or to clean whatever it was I was going to clean, I do it with SUCH energy and SUCH resolve that it is almost scary. I get to the point where even if I have to pee, I won't allow myself to until that current task is done. Because as always “I’m almost done!” This is probably one of the reasons that I get frequent UTIs. I shouldn’t HOLD IT.

·         I never finish anything

o   My family jokes about this one. I used to start craft projects all of the time when I was younger and NEVER FINISHED THEM. I’d get so excited about them, I’d work on them non-stop. Then I’d set it aside one day and BOOM. Done. No more interest. To this day that still happens to me on a regular basis. Just ask the blanket I started to crochet last March……. It’s amazing when I DO finish things. Like, the baby blankets I made for Danielle, Sydney, and Heather. I can finish blankets for their kids but not my own. Yeah. Figure that one out.

·         I always have good ideas, then they die out

o   This is one that REALLY bugs me. I get so hyped up about something new…. I do it, I go strong, and then out of nowhere something so miniscule happens and I’m completely derailed and I let it throw me off. WTF is that about? Get your shit together, Becky.

·         I binge eat

o   This is my number one BIGGEST weight loss hurdle. I have never, NEVER gotten over this; even during 2009-2011 when I dropped a shit ton of weight and got down to 160 pounds…. I still had trouble with binge eating. The difference back then is that I was running every day. I burned enough calories to hide it. It is like I cannot.get.enough.food. I try and plan food, make food ahead, prep, prep, prep, eat my snacks... but it will come to a point where I am so hungry I feel like if I don’t eat I might die. Seriously. People who have trouble with binge eating understand. You just can’t get the food into your stomach fast enough. You eat, and eat, and then once the food is in there and you are STUFFED, you feel like absolute shit and hate yourself. This is where people who purge would run to the bathroom and get all that garbage out of their system. Not me. I hate puking…. I do it enough as it is with my weak stomach. I have made myself puke a total of 4 times in the past. I scared myself so badly that I never did it again. Thank God for small miracles. One of my BIGGEST fears is passing on my issues to Carson. I have cried myself to sleep some nights worrying that Carson will grow up overweight like I did.

·         I have the biggest guilty conscience in the world

o   I want to make everyone happy. This is such an unrealistic expectation that it almost makes me miserable. What’s the point? I mean, I don’t want to go around hating on everyone and being selfish; I just want to stand my ground more and do things I want to do or do the things that make ME most comfortable and screw everyone else. Ok, that was harsh, but you know what I mean. If I don’t make it to some event because I feel my time would be better spent elsewhere then that is what I am going to do. My family will get over it, my friends will get over it. If they don’t…. well, do I really want to focus on that negativity? Things happen, people understand…. I wish it didn’t make me feel so bad though. I am trying desperately to work on this. Especially with being a mom. I have been getting better about standing my ground even if people get mad at me. I don’t care. I am mom. Mom’s rule the nest. End of story. (Sorry Andrew)

·         I don’t know what I want in life

o   I am so, SO jealous of my friends who got right out of high school and said “I want to do XYZ!” Went to school for it, graduated, and are now working in the field they want. I hate you all. Ok, I don’t really…. But you suck. I don’t mean that either (assholes). I’m done I swear. Ha! I am 30 years old and sometimes sit and go “What am I doing with MY life?” It’s not that I hate my job, I don’t hate my marriage, I don’t hate my child….. I just think “is there supposed to be more?” Maybe there’s not. Maybe my life’s journey is to have babies, be a great mom, be a wonderful daughter, and a good friend. That’s hard to accept though when you always have this constant nagging to “Keep up with the Jones’s” Fuck them. I’m awesome.

·         I make super quick decisions and then regret them almost instantly

o   Uggghhhhh…. This one is also related to food. “I’m going to eat that! It’ll make me feel better” Nope. Didn’t. What’s that? Sure, I’d love some horrid heartburn now. Not good enough? Fine, revolt stomach, I don’t mind puking my guts out on a Monday afternoon. (Yes, this happened to me just this week.) Didn’t make myself puke, my body just said “What in the flying fuck are you DOING TO YOURSELF?” and made me puke up everything I had to eat and drink that day. It wasn’t pretty. I also make decisions in life, shopping is a HUGE example of this. I impulse shop. OMG do I impulse shop. Do you know how hard it is for a person like me to follow a budget? It’s almost torture. Hahahaha. I am SO much better than I ever used to be about this (thank you, Andrew) but I still have moments. Most stuff I purchase I don’t take back either. That’s what makes it even worse.

These things are currently in my mind right now. Things that I struggle with on a daily basis that almost make me crazy.

All I can keep telling myself is that there are people there when I need them (a HUGE thank you to Amber, Sydney, Valerie, and my mom for my most recent word vomit episodes) and that they will always be there. If I need help, I just HAVE TO ASK.

That being said…

Who wants to join WeightWatchers meetings with me?!?! I really do want a buddy to do it with again.

Please?