Autism

I think I have been needing to do this post for awhile now. Everything kind of builds up and then I end up just having word vomit moments on Facebook OR I cry. I cry a lot.

As all of you should know, Carson was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder Level 3 with a Global Developmental Delay. In other words, severe autism. That was back at the beginning of 2018. My whole world came crashing down. I realize that Autism is not a death sentence and my child was 100% physically healthy but that didn’t make the diagnosis any easier. It still hurt. It hurt A LOT. The life I had pictured for my child was gone. The blame was strong. Did I do this? Did I cause this? Could I have been better during my pregnancy?

I will take this moment to say I do not for one second believe that vaccinations caused Carson’s autism. Carson showed signs of autism very, VERY early. Besides, even if they did (which again I don’t think so) I’d rather have a healthy child than a sick/dead one. I’d go back and give him all those vaccinations again. Period. I’m not here for a debate either. This is just what I believe about MY child. You believe what you want to about yours.

Anyway, after that diagnosis my life was bombarded with appointments, phone calls, evaluations, therapy, insurance approvals, waiting lists... on and on and on. How was I supposed to work and juggle the rest of my life knowing that I had all of this going on? Poor Dean.... he was only a year old and I felt like he was on the back burner. I felt like a horrible mom because I didn’t know what to do for Carson and I felt like an even more horrible mom because I was spending more time worrying about Carson than spending time with Dean. I also spent this time eating my feelings, spending ALL the money I didn’t have, getting myself into horrible debt again, and neglecting myself. I was completely lost. Drowning. No one could pull me out.

Then Hope happened. A beautiful woman named Carli and a place called Hope. 35 hours of ABA therapy every week for Carson and life finally started looking up.

But wait. What’s that? There’s a movement of people against ABA Therapy?? But why? Why are people so against what it helping my son? Now I’m even more confused. Should I have my son in ABA? Should I pull him out? If I pull him out, what are his chances of speaking, learning, stopping aggressive behaviors?

I still don’t know what is 100% best for Carson. He is still in ABA and we get in home services which are HUGE. However, there’s that part of me that wonders if I’m doing him more harm than good because of the amount of people saying ABA is horrible. But is it? I’ve seen my kids at their clinic and if it’s horrible...... they’re sure happy about it and having a good time.

Now, this brings me to Dean. Dean received an Autism Diagnosis in the summer of 2019. However, Dean was only mimicking his older brother! You see, Dean was picking up on all of Carson’s stimming behaviors, movements, “speech”..... and therefore he seemed autistic. Well, he’s NOT. Dean is your typical, crazy, full of energy, tantrum throwing 3 year old. Boy, can he throw some tantrums.

Dean still gets services though because he is delayed in speech and OT and we think he might have a bit of ADHD.

The biggest things I wish people would understand is that Carson is a 5 year old child stuck in the mentality of a 2-3 year old. I don’t know when he’ll go to school, I don’t know when he’ll be potty trained, I don’t know if he’ll ever sleep through the night, I don’t know if he’ll ever stop his aggression, I don’t know what he’s feeling or thinking EVER and he cannot tell me, I don’t know if he’ll ever communicate fully or if we’ll use pictures and tablets for his whole life. I don’t know if he’ll ever live on his own or be able to have a job.

What I do know is that I love him. I love him with my whole heart, body and soul. He’s so funny, he’s sweet (mostly), and he adores his family. I will continue to fight for him and do everything I can to make him happy in his life.

I know I can continue going one day at a time.