I read a blog post this morning off of my blog roll and I wanted to follow suit with this. Yesterday I met with Linda and basically cried the entire session. I got two wonderful things from that session: 1) that it is OK for me to be angry and upset and feel the feelings I do towards myself and 2) once I feel those things I need to focus that anger and energy on something that will help better myself. Normally if I have a day like that where I have a pity party, cry, and get angry; I usually think I'm horrible for thinking that way and that it isn't warranted. But you know what? It is. I am feeling these things and unless I ride it out I will never get better. I will never face my fears and I will never get this God forsaken weight off.
Now I am going to answer these questions and if you read others as well, you'll find a lot of similarities!
How do you feel when other women around you complain about feeling/being fat?
Honestly? I want to punch them in the face. Do you know how irritating it is when people that are thin stand right in front of me and go "Ugh, I'm so fat!" You're ridiculous. You don't know what being fat is. Until you actually have to shop in a plus size section of a store and buy a size 18/20 and a 2XL you need to shut your fucking mouth. (see the anger?) Statements like this also put the "If they think they're fat I cannot even imagine how they see me." thoughts in my head. Like, holy crap, I'm a giant beached whale to them. When thin people make comments like that it only continues to lower our self esteem and make us feel like an even shittier human being.
Have you tried dieting? What happened?
Have I tried dieting. HAHAHAHA. Yes. Yes I have. I have done it all. Quick fixes, dangerous diet pills, not eating, binge eating and purging (I guess that's not really a diet.....), Atkins, no carbs, counting calories, WeightWatchers.... you name it I have probably tried it. The scariest obviously being the binge/purge time in my life and the diet pills that made my heart flutter constantly. I have lost and gained and lost and gained more times than I can count.
Do you think in your case your weight is partly or entirely genetic?
You know, this is a tough one. My whole family is obese. They weren't always but my mother was never a size 2 and my dad was always around a 34/36. They were NORMAL. My mom was a size 10 in high school and I consider that to be thin. When I was a size 10 I thought I was super skinny. I think it is partially genetic because of my body type. When I get thin my body is still going to look a certain way. I'm tall, I'm stocky... it's my body I got from my family, however, I think most of it is environment. I was never limited to what I could eat. There were always snacks and food in abundance. My family showed love with food. I was allowed to eat what I wanted whenever I wanted and since I never complained about being picked on in school, I comforted myself with food my entire life.
Do you consider yourself healthy? Have there been instances where people assumed you were unhealthy?
Yes, I am healthy. My blood pressure is low, I eat healthy foods, I am still somewhat active, and the doctor has never showed major concern over my health. Yes, people assume I am unhealthy because I'm fat. Like there is no possible way I can be healthy at this size. When I tell people I've run 3 half marathons you'd think I told them I had 8 boobs. I get the "No way" look. Like, how can a girl your size do 13.1 miles. Fuck you. I could run laps around you at the size I am. (anger)
Are your parents both supportive of you at the weight you’re at? Have they always been?
Yes and yes. My parents NEVER made my weight an issue and still don't. I know that they would both love to see me smaller and happier like I once was, but neither one of them have ever been anything but supportive. I kind of wish they would have maybe catered a little more to my binge eating habits when I was younger, but that is in the past and the only thing I can do is move forward.
How do you think retailers can improve clothes for plus-size people?
Make them more trendy, cheaper, and comfortable. Right now my favorite place to buy clothes is Maurices. They have super cute clothes that are crazy comfortable and they aren't going to bankrupt me. Yes, they could be a slight bit cheaper, but I have found tons of clothes that I love there. However, that being said, when I was in high school and at my heaviest there were no such things as cute clothes for plus size girls.
Do you think plus-size women are judged differently than plus-sized men are? How?
100% yes. If a woman is plus-size she is gross and apparently doesn't know she is fat and people need to tell her. The plus-size man always gets the cute, skinny girl, gets the job, gets the family, isn't looked at any differently unless he is morbidly obese (I'm talking 300+ pounds). There are guys I know that weigh about 220 and could stand to lose weight but people don't think of them as fat. When I weigh 220 I'm looked at like "Ew, get it together girl."
Do you think there’s ever a right way or time to express concern about someone’s weight?
Yes. If and ONLY if it is a close family member or friend. If someone I barely knew came up to me and expressed concern about my weight do you know what that would do to me? I would get mad, defensive, and probably go home and binge. Seems kind of backwards to you? It kind of is - but I COMFORT MYSELF WITH FOOD. If I'm feeling defiant I can go in the kitchen and go "Call me fat, I'll show you." and just shove food in my mouth like a cookie monster crazed maniac. It isn't pretty. So, unless you are a close friend or family, keep your fucking mouth shut and let us do what we need to when WE are ready to.
What are the worst things people have said to you about your body?
I don't know if I can recall one situation that sticks out - but when I was about 170-180 and was running outside almost every day, people in cars were the worst. Guys would Moo at me, teenagers would scream mean things about "that fatty running". I once had a car full of teenagers make screeching tire sounds right behind me and when it scared me they said "We scared the fatty!" AND I WAS ONLY 170 POUNDS. On my 5'9" frame that isn't that big. I was in a size 10 and M at that time and that was fat?!?!
What have people said (or do you wish they’d say) that would compliment your body or appearance?
When people just give a nice comment about clothes, hair, or make-up it means the world to me. "Wow, that shirt looks really good on you and is pretty! Where did you get it?" "Your make up looks really great! How did you do it?" "I love your hair!" I had a coworker that used to tell me all of the time how pretty my make up was and that it looked like a professional did it and that would boost my self esteem for hours.
Or if people would just say things like "You've done 3 half marathons? That's awesome!" "Great job with that race you did." Notice that even though I'm big I'm TRYING.
Do you find yourself hanging out with women who are closer to your size?
No. My friends have always been smaller than me. I'm not one to judge by size so I stick to people that I get along with, have things in common with, and have tons of fun with. Regardless of size. Sometimes I do feel like the biggest one in the group, but these people I am with never make that an issue and we always have a wonderful time.
How has your weight affected your sex life, if at all?
There were times when it affected me badly. I didn't enjoy sex for awhile because I thought that I was such a disappointment to Andrew. He has never said that but I thought it and when that is going through your head constantly it is hard to get in the mood for it. All you can think about is "Oh God, he's judging my stomach." "I wonder if he thinks I'm huge." "Is he even turned on by me?" It was a lot worse than it is now. Now I don't care. I'm just like "Let's do this!" and if he doesn't like it.... well, that's never been an issue. ;)
When you’ve been single, has your weight affected your dating life?
Oh yes. I was always the "good friend" or the "sister". I was never looked at as a girl or woman. I didn't have my first relationship until I was 22 years old. Then I was about 216 pounds and still losing.
Those are the questions I chose to answer. I hope that gives some insight into the world of a larger person. I know thin people, like my husband, don't get it sometimes. Stop eating, they say. Exercise, they say. Guess what? We know we're fat and we know what we need to do. Being a dick about it doesn't help matters at all. Treat us like people, because guess what? That's what we are. I have a heart and feelings just like you and I deserve love, friendship, and respect just as much as a thin person.
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