Reminiscing & Coming Clean

I've been going back through old photos on Facebook. Mainly from around 2009 - 2011. That was when I was really on the ball with my running, weight loss and eating.

This picture was taken at the beginning of 2011. It was a practice run through of my wedding hair and make up. See how happy I look? See how thin and healthy I look? What happened to that girl? I do miss her a lot. She was full of energy, she was always happy, sure sometimes she would still see a "fat" image in the mirror from time to time but as soon as she put on her size 10 skinny jeans she felt on top of the world. When she went shopping at Express and could buy MEDIUM shirts she felt like she could do anything.

Now I have to skip past Express because I know there is no way in hell their clothes will fit me now. All of my shirts, jeans and dresses I got from Express are hiding in my closet. I don't have the heart to part with them because I keep telling myself I will wear them again someday.

That picture of me on the left (before pic) was taken in 2009 (I believe) and the right photo(after pic) was taken in March of 2010. I'd be happy to be back to 196.4 at this point. 159 was my lowest weight ever. What is funny is the number wasn't as important to me in that photo. It was the fact that my thighs didn't touch, that my waist and butt were SO much smaller. I looked like I had a new body from the waist down. The after picture was also taken right after I had gone on a run. I'm sure I went about 4-5 miles. That was my norm. I could go out and do about 5-6 miles in under an hour. I used to go every single day. I also only worked from 3pm-8pm too and I would go around 10:00 am. I do miss that....

Last night I had a good cry. I was feeling absolutely miserable. My allergies were horrid. I couldn't breathe through my nose, I was wheezing like crazy and my eyes were all bloodshot and itchy. Not to mention as soon as I got out of the shower I noticed my legs looked like they had broken out in hives. I had Andrew go to CVS to pick up some Benadryl because we were out. I took two of them knowing full well that when I went to wake up in the morning I'd feel like a zombie but I didn't care.

All I can think to myself is that I feel like garbage because I'm not taking care of myself like I used to. I never used to have problems breathing. I never used to have to puff an inhaler before or immediately after exercise. Yes, I've been doing the 30 Day Shred. Yes, I've been trying to be better about food. Yes, I'm still tracking on WW even though I do go negative at times. I'm wearing my ActiveLink. I'm doing some things to get myself back to where I was but it isn't enough. I'm still not 100%. Why? What changed? I have this mental battle with myself on almost a daily basis. WTF happened to me? Why after gaining 20 pounds didn't I do something? 30? 40? 50!??!! I just kept going, and going, and going; the entire time knowing that I needed to stop back tracking but I did nothing to stop it. It infuriates me. I know I cannot change the past. I'd love to go back in time and kick my own ass and say "LOOK WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU" but I can't.

I know a lot of the gain was because I was super stressed out and unhappy in the job I had. That isn't the case anymore. I have a job I love and the stress... well, there isn't any. Andrew and I are in a good place financially. Why can I not pinpoint the reason that I keep slacking? There was a brief period of time when I was seeing a therapist for eating disorders. Mostly binge eating but there was a brief period of time when I was purging too. I still binge. I have periods during the day, usually at night, where I stand in the kitchen and eat everything and anything. Mindlessly. Just eat. Telling myself in my head to stop.... but not stopping. And then afterwards I feel an intense amount of guilt and remorse. I feel as though I have just done something terrible like cheating on my husband or beating my puppy. The guilt is out of this world. Thankfully it hasn't gotten to the point where I'm purging.... but the binge is still there. The urge to do it is still there. I eat in secret. I hide food. I do all of the things that define a binge eater. Katie posted this blog as well about binge eating and her issues with it. I like knowing that I am not the only person out there that has this issue and I do take medication for my depression but I'm thinking that I possibly need to up my dosage or get my ass back to a therapist. I didn't really click with the one I had which is why I stopped going.

I think I will go see my doctor sometime soon and talk to her about my medication and as for a referral to a new therapist. I have to do something or I am going to go crazy.

This post was very long and very hard to type. It is hard to expose yourself to the world sometimes but I feel that by doing it I am getting one step closer to getting better.